Yesterday I added 1,621 words to my NaNoWriMo novel/memoir and I felt pretty darn good. At the beginning of the day I was overwhelmed by my story and couldn’t not even look at it. Writing 50,000 words in one month is a really daunting task for a “newbie” and I began to feel like perhaps I wasn’t cut out for the challenge. So I had consulted the NaNoWriMo website for encouragement and advice. I found a group of ‘”rogue” memoir writers who all had something to say. They were writing about heart-ache and hardship. They were writing about much, MUCH deeper and scarring things than I was writing about, but it gave me courage to keep going. They offered advice like “write something completely out of character” or “write something that is completely fictional to your story” and “step away from yourself”. I also had two Facebook friends (folks who I wouldn’t, probably, name as “friends” in real life), who had been through this process before, offer their words of love and support. Their championing of me really boosted my confidence.
So, fortified by the other writers courage and my friends reassurance, I began to attack my story anew. I expanded and elaborated on parts that were mere facts before and now, to me at least, they are written gold. I wrote with real abandon and embellished parts with things that never happened, but I had wished did. For the first time since becoming a “writer” I truly felt the unadulterated joy of just getting my words on paper (or computer screen as the case may be). I began to believe that even my true-to-life, heart-wrenching, but not so tragic story, was worth reading and exploring for more people than just myself. It was the most liberating thing I had ever felt about this particular story and, aside from being a good written word, it was helping me to finally sort out my feelings and to truly heal.
Then, today, I received another rejection letter from “The Secret Place” for one of my devotionals.
I thought the mere waiting on those decisions were the hardest, but now I see that sometimes it’s the actual rejection that does really hurt more. Yesterday, I was a writer (imagine: horns heralding my triumph, glitter and confetti cascading down around me as I smile, reach my hands up into the confetti and twirl around in it with unashamed joy.). Today, I am a rejected writer (waah waah).
I do take some solace in their email that says that they just get SO many submissions they can’t choose them all. It’s only a small solace right now though. My ego is hurt a bit and I think I’ll take the day off from writing completely. Just sit back and NOT write a single thing today and let my mind (and ego) recover.
Oh, wait. I’m writing this. Well, there goes that theory.