Where Am I Going?

Life and Happiness

In the past few weeks I’ve been running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Except I, unlike the chicken, have not yet fallen over from the massive hemorrhage of losing my head. It began to feel like every minute of every day I was saying “I’m too busy” or “Why can’t I relax?”

Then I read this blog.

What?! Could I seriously be injuring my health by just being TOO BUSY? What in the world? I knew I was getting sleep – my ambien helps with that, but I was feeling tired a lot. And I was getting work done, but why did I always feel like there was still so much left to do? And I was seeing friends, but I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had a real good laugh or a seriously relaxing moment without a care in the world. In fact, I had commented to my husband as such “Why do I not feel relaxed?”

We chalked it up to my “inability to relax” – my father doesn’t do much of it and neither does my mom. I’m ingrained with the thought process that more is better and doing more (and more… and more) is even better. It’s hard to say “No” to anyone, I can’t delegate a task to save my life (Dad always said if you want something done… do it yourself. He didn’t tell me there wouldn’t be enough time in the day to accomplish it all without help) and without my ambien I could go without sleep for DAYS. I used to wear that as badge of honor: “Yeah, I could work for days without collapsing. I get so much done!”

Now I think: What am I doing to my body? This can’t be healthy.

Over the last month I’ve felt alright – the occasional headache and the slight back pain. I sleep well for the most part. I haven’t been to the doctor for anything in at least six months. And yet… the headaches are really daily, my slight back pain is constant and I use drugs to help me sleep. I’ve complained more than once to my husband about my aches and pains so does it matter that I haven’t complained to the doctor, who isn’t as readily available?

What is all this busy-ness doing to us as a society? We don’t put down our phones, we don’t pry ourselves away from technology for even a minute… I live in a beautiful state and I rarely step outside anymore. When I do – my phone is still usually in front of my face so that I don’t see the beauty God put before me.

And when I don’t take any time, except that drug-induced eight hours each night, to rest… what’s going on inside that I can’t see? Could it really be killing me slowly while I frantically run through my day?

It’s always “Oh, I’ll relax after I get X done,” but “X” just leads to “Y” and then “Z” and then I start all over again. An old boyfriend used to say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – but maybe it’ll be sooner than we want if we don’t slow down.

So… starting… soon. I’m going to slow down. I want to have a good laugh with some friends, enjoy a bottle of wine, paddle around in my kayak on the local lake and just kick back.

How about you?



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