Today I cracked open an old journal in the hopes of finding something new to post about or a story I had forgotten to write. What I got instead was a deep feeling of depression.
You see the journal started off about five years ago right after John and I married. In it I lament about not being a good wife and not holding up my end of the bargain in our marriage. In addition I discuss my weight battle by writing down everything I ate for about a month’s time. The first portion of the journal also documents my time on a mission trip to Galveston, Texas.
Not so bad you say?
Here’s the rub:
1) I still feel like I’m failing as a wife. Five years later. I nag too often and expect more from him than I am willing to give of myself. I know he often feels frustrated that he “can’t make me happy.” He’s right. Only I can make myself happy and I’m not doing a very good job at that either. Our communication has been lacking lately although we are trying very hard to kick start the kind of communication we once had at the onset of our relationship. But assumptions, past hurts and not enough time often leads to lapses in communication.
2) I still battle my weight. I work out, try to eat well and I’ve made some strides in this process. Although I actually weigh more now (part of the depressing part), I feel like I’m in a better frame of mind when it comes to my body. I’ve worked hard to look around me and see that everyone has their issues so it’s not just me, but also I’m noticing that no one else cares about my weight. I’m the only one. And my clothes fit and I often get complimented on my style so… I guess that’s a small win. But I’m still a slave to the food addiction. In my journal I complain that “if I could only be good on the weekends. But I tend to overeat and we eat out too much” – still guilty. I LOVE eating out. There is so much good food out there! So… I haven’t made any real progress there.
3) On my mission trip I couldn’t sleep, worried about being without John and basically didn’t get out of it what I should have… mainly due to all of my fears. STILL guilty five years later. I let my fears overrun me on a daily basis and I’m not getting out of life what I should be. I don’t often relax enough to enjoy anything due to my anxiety. I take medication to sleep (which is a God send actually) and I have neck, back and multiple other issues due to the amount of stress I carry around. I can’t let go. And I couldn’t back then. (Never could actually… this is more than a five year failure. More like forty.) I was convinced I couldn’t do that trip without John. That he would leave me because I had gone away for a week. Once again those feelings of insecurity and unworthiness seeped in and robbed from me what I could have experienced. It was still a good experience, but… what else could it have been? And why am I still concerned with what everyone else thinks and not concerned about enjoying life?
So now I’m contemplating how I could do things differently. What I need to do to not spend the next five years (or twenty) doing the same things … or rather not accomplishing the same things.
It’s good to look back and take inventory. I want to start journaling again and be able to prove to myself a few years from now that I did make progress. And the first step is saying “No, I’m not going to do it that way anymore.” Instead I’ll make an effort to hear my husband and to do things for him for a change. Instead of worrying about every morsel I put into my mouth I’m going to appreciate who I am – no matter what weight. And instead of being fearful of everything… maybe I’ll spontaneously just go for a long weekend! (Okay – that scares the crap out of me so probably not… baby steps…)
One good thing: I did get a blog post out of it. 🙂
How about you? If you looked back five years in your life could you say you had made progress? If not – what do you plan on doing about it?