I wondered aloud how far down God would take me. I was finally at the writing conference I so needed to attend and yet I had been sick and home issues had plagued me for the entire first day. The class I had taken overwhelmed me, my laurels (that I had been resting on) were called into question and I felt out of my league. During a break, I cried on my bunk and whispered, “I know I need to be broken God…but how far?”
For months I had been working my businesses, being busy-busy-busy, and had little time for God. He had tapped me lightly on the shoulder day after day and I would oblige with a quick prayer, maybe read a chapter of His word or take ten seconds for “meditation,” but I had never really given in to Him. And I had struggled in almost every aspect of my life as a result. I felt that small, quiet voice saying, “Come to me and I will give you rest,” but I kept on at my frantic pace, filling my spaces with so much noise in hopes of drowning out His words.
I KNEW I needed Him, but I kept putting it off. “I’m busy today Lord. I’ll get to You tomorrow. I know You’re there and I’m grateful. Thanks.” And I would scurry off to my “jobs.”
I worried. I fretted. I had intestinal issues from the stress. Headaches from the anxiety. I didn’t enjoy anything. This is a pattern for me. If you read my blog – you know this. I fall into this pattern where I think, “I can do it!” …And then proceed to try and do it ALL.
I can’t. Why do I try? Because I’m scared of what He might call on me to do. Can you relate? If I busy myself with my own tasks, He can’t call on me to do bigger things. Things I’m scared of. Things I might not be qualified for (even though He would qualify me).
Eventually, He breaks me down. This time…it was DOWN. Far into a pit. I’ve been spiraling for about two months. No one really sees it except my husband…we keep it all to ourselves, don’t we? The deep dark secrets? But it comes out eventually. We can only hold it in for so long.
Then I came to this writing conference. A Christian conference. On day one, I became convicted by the very first speaker. He told of a story about making a choice – doing God’s work or doing our own. If something we’ve written speaks to just ONE person – shouldn’t we do it? Isn’t that our purpose? He said to give God your writing AND yourself.
I had been giving neither. I’d only been giving to myself and I’m a poor gift giver. At least, compared to Him.
Writing is not a JOB when it’s done for the Lord. It’s a MINISTRY. But HE chooses. Not me. Not you. HE CHOOSES – when we let Him.
It’s a “holy obligation to train” said our chapel speaker. It’s important to PRESS ON and KEEP THE FAITH. I had been keeping the faith for sure… but not that God would provide. Not that He would HELP…just that my end result – my death – would be good, but not that I could do something for Him while I was here.
It’s hard to write this. I feel like a failure. But I’m not. I am God’s child and He expects, and wants, me to get up and try again. This time with Him as my true guide, my loyal friend, my ever present help and my eternal savior. It might not be easier with Him…but I think it might. I’m not sure I can give it all to Him…it’s a hard thing to let go, but I want to try. I believe He has things for me to do…a ministry to complete. And I want to do it.
I am broken down, but I am being built back up…stronger than before. In His strength.
WRITER’S UPDATE: After I wrote this the following happened: I spoke with an editor about a devotional book I’m considering writing – she encouraged me greatly and I feel empowered to move forward, I spoke with at least three people who had similar stories to mine and were starting over (again), and I won First Place in every contest I entered my writing at the conference. God HAS A PLAN. He builds us up EVERY DAY…sometimes we just don’t notice. Keep the faith.