I’ve been feeling rather convicted lately. I’ve been hurt by a few “friends” – although I’m sure they didn’t mean to hurt me – and I’ve been struggling to get over it. I can’t seem to get through a single day without feeling hurt, angry or, in some way, wronged. I know it’s just me and I’ve prayed about it.
I don’t know how to move on from these hurts. I haven’t confronted anyone. I haven’t told these people that they’ve hurt me because it seems so…dumb and petty to do so. I know they didn’t do it intentionally, but how do I start to heal and move forward without speaking out my hurts?
Today, an author whom I edit for sent me the latest grouping of chapters for her devotional. We’ve been working on this book for over a year. I don’t say that to condemn – just to give you a timeline. She thinks it’s because she just can’t get out the words sometimes. I think it’s because God is using her to convict me.
You see, every time I seem to be going through something, fighting an internal battle, struggling with finding my place in the world or seeking to know God – or running away from Him – one of her emails pops up. Sometimes it’s simply her saying, “Hey, I’m still working on it. Here’s my prayer for you today!” and sometimes it’s her devotional that I’m editing. Nevertheless, her words often convict me to get my butt back in the seat and keep moving forward.
Today was one of those days. So, after editing her piece, I sat down with my Bible and continued my readings. (You may remember that I’m working my way through the Word, from front to back, and using commentaries to help me understand it more fully. This has been going on for over a year, too.) The words of the Psalms (where I’m currently reading) didn’t speak directly to me today, but when I finished, I closed the book and set my head in my hands.
“I’m lost, Father,” I said.
I prayed for Him to take the bitterness away, to shield my heart from the devil’s advances, to help me to seek only the Lord and His ways. “I want only what you want,” I said. “Help me to know what that is.”
I don’t know. And that’s why I’m stuck.
One of the chapters in my author’s devotional today spoke about going to the Lord day in and day out with an open heart in order to move past hurts. It obviously spoke to me. Maybe I don’t take these things to Him enough. Do I just assume He knows what I need? Well, He does, but I need to also reach out to Him and ask for help. So I did. And tomorrow I’ll do it again. And probably the next day. And, more than likely, day in and day out for awhile until He gives me the answer or heals my heart or simply tells me to move on.
But in this author’s words today I found one answer: God is with me. Always. He does see my hurt. He does feel my pain. He knows I need Him even when I don’t ask for His help. He knows I’m hiding. He knows how to get to me – even when I run. He SEES ME and is right there… I almost wrote “waiting for me to come to Him”, but, you know what? I don’t think He is waiting. We sometimes will say that – “He’s waiting for us to come to Him” – but it isn’t true. I don’t think God waits for us. He’s actively working CONSTANTLY to bring us back to Him, to keep us focused on Him and He utilizes things we might not even notice. But He’s always working.
And, today, that’s enough for me to know. It’s enough for me to say, “Thank you, Lord.” It’s enough to get through today without another hurt feeling or angry thought.
And tomorrow I’ll start again and He’ll be right there.