This is going to be a REALLY short mini post Monday and I’ll apologize now for it’s stark nature and rant-ish quality.
I’m swamped with work and getting ready to head to Pittsburgh (It’s currently Wednesday the 26th as I type this). My hip went out last weekend and I’ve been dealing with pain as well as the final preparations for my trip. The trip will be awesome – I know that. I’m excited for it. But this hip pain…ugh.
I’m angry about this hip pain. I haven’t had it almost two years and now is NOT the time I wanted it to come back. But I’ve been stressed and dealing with a lot of STUFF and MAYBE not caring for myself as I should have. Since Max’s death, I’ve found myself more stressed out on a daily basis and more “amped” up every day. I’ve even tried cutting back on caffeine, but it didn’t seem to help.
Then this hip happened and I’m so PISSED about it that I can’t hardly explain it.
I’ve worked hard in strength training for the last year to avoid this pain and, yet, here it is. I don’t like being a victim to the hold it has on me, but what can you do when you can’t even stand up from a chair sometimes because of the pain?
And I miss Max. I’ve shoved it to the back of my brain, focused on all I had to do, shifted my attentions to house cleaning, editing, and other work, but I miss him. He was my peace. When I had these overly stressed out days, I could sit with him and stroke his fur and it would be better. He’d sometimes lick my face and give me that look that said, “I’m here, Momma.”
Now, instead, I just immerse myself in more work.
They say having a dog reduces your stress (my husband wouldn’t agree), and now I feel it. After thirteen years of living with a dog, not having one has ripped away that sense of peace I’d get when I’d come home to his loving face.
I have God. I’ve tried placing my burdens on Him. He does help. My husband helps. But it isn’t the same.
And now this hip. It hurts like you wouldn’t imagine and I’ve tried everything. And the only thing I can think of is, “If only I could hold Max, this pain would go away.” It’s unrealistic. He was a dog, not a medicine man, not a healer. But, in my head, it would be better.
For now, I’ll keep taking my pain meds and doing some stretching and a lot of praying. I hope this pain – both physical and emotional – will end soon.
God bless you for reading this mess. Have a great Monday.