Did I mention lately that I’m having trouble keeping up in my life? Today is no exception. My mom is having surgery and we’ll be at the hospital for the better part of the day. I hate these things. First, I don’t want my elderly parents to go under the “knife” anytime (even though she technically isn’t. It’s one of those “through the veins” type deals.) Second, it’s really more than one day because I’ve been stressing about it for about a week.
I plan on having a good book to read – I’m sure to make lots of progress if I can find a quiet place. I don’t read well when there are others around talking. Trying to read in a waiting room full of people usually doesn’t work out for me, but I’ll give it a try.
I’ve been having difficulty getting back on track since conference. If I’m honest, I’ve been feeling a bit waylaid since Max died. I just can’t seem to get back in the race. Every day it seems like I take more time to reminisce, sit on my porch and even waste away time staring at his photo. The other night I was with friends and I realized I was being friendly and conversational, but the effort really wasn’t there. Or maybe I should say it was ALL effort. I wanted to have a good time. I wanted to relax and enjoy myself. I just didn’t. Couldn’t. I felt a wall begin to form around me, protecting me, sheltering me and I didn’t know why. These are my friends. I don’t need shelter from them. I actually need them to help me, but I found myself not letting any of them in so they could.
The term “Functional Depression” has been bouncing around my head for awhile now. It’s been in the news and online constantly. The latest “fad” thing, I guess. I looked it up and found this article. The one point that really stood out to me was the difference in sleeping idea.
I’ve been taking naps lately. If you know me AT ALL you know I DON’T take naps. Ever. Unless I’m sick with a cold. Like…really sick. And even then…not always. Last Saturday I laid down and just…fell asleep. Like a normal person. I take sleep meds to sleep at night. I don’t simply fall asleep at will. It hasn’t happened, like, ever. (I’m not exaggerating. I did Relay for Life one year and had no problem staying up all night. I was exhausted the next day, but staying awake – not an issue.)
I’m getting older so that could be it. Cycles do change. Heck, I might even start to be warm too at some point. THAT would be a good life change. Then again, back to that social thing…I’ve been avoiding some social interaction. The ones I have been going to, I don’t enjoy. My nerves feel like they’re on edge almost constantly (I cut back on the caffeine thinking that might be it – it’s not). And my husband can tell you I’ve been pretty grouchy. (Not that being grouchy is a big difference in my norm…although I try NOT to be. It’s been a bit unreasonable at times. But usually only with him. I bet he’s happy to hear that.)
All of this to say…what? I’m not sure. I’ve been told my readers like my transparency so here it is. I might be dealing with depression. I think it’s from Max’s death. Could be other things. I am trying to let my body heal and to try and understand it at the same time. It scares me. I’m not trying to hurt myself. I’m just…”out of sorts” as I said to a friend the other day. Nothing seems “right.” It just seems “off.”
And the hits keep coming. Like today at the hospital. It (“it” being LIFE) just never stops. But, before, I’d always felt like I’d had a handle on it and now I don’t. It’s just whizzing by at a speed I can’t seem to keep up with. Like that carousel from Monday’s post, except faster. And more nauseating.
For now, I’ll read my book and try to breathe. And I’ll take the next few minutes as they come. And the next after that. And, hopefully, it’ll all start to make sense again soon.
Happy Friday. God bless.
PS – I wrote this post a few days ago. Since then I’ve had a nice chat with some caring and concerned friends. My mood is a bit lighter, but it’s a process. I’m thankful and blessed to have good people in my life who are willing to listen and provide suggestions.