Oops. I Failed.

Fears, Life and Happiness, Writing

I find it ironic that I’m about to write this post. My last post, Don’t Let The Gray Get You Down, talked about ways to help avoid the winter blahs. So now, this post, is going to tell you how I failed at my own advice.

I have this biblical quote on my wall: “God is within her, she will not fall.” (Psalm 46:5)

You may have seen this quote before and a LOT of the time, you may have seen it quoted as “she will not fail.” When I bought this wall verse (it’s one of those stick on things), I bought it from a girl on Etsy. And she had it listed as “she will not fail.” I looked at several Bible versions and I couldn’t find a single one that said “fail.” Many of them use “can not be moved”, but none, that I could find, said “fail.”

So I made the vendor change it before I bought it. I wasn’t about to have an incorrect Bible verse on my wall! I’m an editor for crying out loud.

I look at it every day and think, “Yes. God’s got this. He won’t let me fall.” And I truly believe He won’t.

BUT. He will let me fail.

Which leads me to how I failed at my own advice.

I let the gray get to me. It overwhelmed me today and I wallowed in it for hours. You see, work has been slow lately. Really slow. It happens sometimes, but this has been an extended lull and I’m starting to let me old worrisome habits come to the surface. Last night in Bible study, I asked for prayer about it. I said I was in a “time of waiting.” (Don’t you hate those?) But I realized it was a time of learning, too. I know God is refining some things, sanding off some rough edges (I really, truly hate those times) and just making way for other things in my life. I can see where progress has been made.

But I am not good at waiting for work and when it doesn’t come, I feel worthless. I’m not good at filling my time when there isn’t work to do. And when I have extra time to think (never a good thing) then I start to think negative thoughts, like, What if I never get work again? or Why is God punishing me? My negative mind sometimes just won’t let me be. It keeps eating at me.

Finally, I said to God, “What is my purpose? If I have nothing to do, no one to care for or for me, if I’m not reaching anyone and there’s no reason to get up each day…what’s the point?”

I didn’t get an answer. I kept pouting about it. I don’t want to be here with nothing to do. I want to help others. I want to use my gifts. I want to utilize that which God has given me, but where do I start? Where do I find the people (mainly writers) who need my help, my services? I don’t want to fail, but it’s not guaranteed. And it hurts to think I have already failed.

As I lamented over this tonight, I felt a tiny urging to just pour out my heart here. We try so often to not let people see this side of us. We’re professionals. We’ve got it together and I’m energetic and happy ALL THE TIME!!

This is NOT the world I live in.

I think it’s more important to be real. And if no one wants my services because I am a broken human being, than so be it. (After all, aren’t most writers broken? Isn’t that why we write? If nothing else, this should prove that I’m one of you!)

Because I am a child of God, but even David, God’s most beloved son, was chased by 12,000 who wanted to kill him. Job lost everything and he was a man of God. Joseph was thrown into a pit by his brothers. Jonah was tossed into a whale. Paul was jailed.

It’s hard to find a biblical character who didn’t suffer or have times of waiting. There are only a few who didn’t worry. But there are many who said, “Why me? Why now? Where are You?”

And that’s where I am. I’m hopeful it won’t last. But, today, I failed at my own advice. I let the gray get to me. I’d ask that you would pray for me. Not necessarily that more work would come my way, but that God would show me His purpose. That He would instruct my hands to do something. That I’d clearly see the direction He wants me to go in. That I’d know I am reaching someone.

I pray you are fighting the gray today and I’ll endeavor to do better tomorrow.

God bless.

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8 thoughts on “Oops. I Failed.

  1. Hi Sue,
    I read a passage from Job yesterday. Random!

    Know, in your core, that these feelings won’t last. They WILL pass. The fact that your own advice didn’t help you today means you are beautifully human and all that entails. And the fact that you’ve shared it here means He did instruct your hands to do something. It just…wasn’t the thing you were asking Him for.

    What it tells me, a positivity blogger (of all things) who also happens to suffer, is that God works within us to help others by being honest about what we go through. We don’t always have all the answers. Sometimes we have glimpses of them, and we are both directed to write…so we do. I’m glad you listened to that tiny urging! You are on-mission.

    It’s late and I’m probably not making much sense, but this is to say: you’re heard, you’re not alone, and you’re doing what you need to be doing. Breathe, find the still place inside where you connect to God, smile(!!), and KNOW this to be true.

    You’ll be in my prayers. Be well!

  2. Praying for you, Sue. I’ve been letting the gray get me down, too, so thanks for these posts and your honesty. One of my favorite verses in the New American Standard Bible, because Jesus is called the Sunrise from on high:
    “And you, child, will be called the prophet of the Most High;
    For you will go on BEFORE THE LORD TO PREPARE HIS WAYS;
    To give to His people the knowledge of salvation
    By the forgiveness of their sins,
    Because of the tender mercy of our God,
    With which the Sunrise from on high will visit us,
    TO SHINE UPON THOSE WHO SIT IN DARKNESS AND THE SHADOW OF DEATH,
    To guide our feet into the way of peace.” (Luke 1:76-79 NASB)

  3. You are always in my prayers, even when I don’t get to see everything you post. I’m so glad that today’s newsletter referred back to this, because it was such a blessing to me to read it. I’ve been battling feelings of failure off and on, but especially for the past two to three weeks. Sometimes it feels as if there isn’t a single thing that I put my hands to that turns out right. Yet, even as my head tells me that is not true, my heart disagrees. It is most likely spiritual warfare. It is uncomfortable to be in a place of not knowing what is coming next or why I’m here and what I can do. I know that God is in control, but I would love it if He would let me in on His plan in the meantime.

    1. Yes. Me too. If only we knew all He knows. But, then again, maybe I don’t want to know everything. I think so many people are hurting lately and I’m sorry you are too but glad that my words may have helped a bit. Praying for you too. 💜

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