I find it ironic that I’m about to write this post. My last post, Don’t Let The Gray Get You Down, talked about ways to help avoid the winter blahs. So now, this post, is going to tell you how I failed at my own advice.
I have this biblical quote on my wall: “God is within her, she will not fall.” (Psalm 46:5)
You may have seen this quote before and a LOT of the time, you may have seen it quoted as “she will not fail.” When I bought this wall verse (it’s one of those stick on things), I bought it from a girl on Etsy. And she had it listed as “she will not fail.” I looked at several Bible versions and I couldn’t find a single one that said “fail.” Many of them use “can not be moved”, but none, that I could find, said “fail.”
So I made the vendor change it before I bought it. I wasn’t about to have an incorrect Bible verse on my wall! I’m an editor for crying out loud.
I look at it every day and think, “Yes. God’s got this. He won’t let me fall.” And I truly believe He won’t.
BUT. He will let me fail.
Which leads me to how I failed at my own advice.
I let the gray get to me. It overwhelmed me today and I wallowed in it for hours. You see, work has been slow lately. Really slow. It happens sometimes, but this has been an extended lull and I’m starting to let me old worrisome habits come to the surface. Last night in Bible study, I asked for prayer about it. I said I was in a “time of waiting.” (Don’t you hate those?) But I realized it was a time of learning, too. I know God is refining some things, sanding off some rough edges (I really, truly hate those times) and just making way for other things in my life. I can see where progress has been made.
But I am not good at waiting for work and when it doesn’t come, I feel worthless. I’m not good at filling my time when there isn’t work to do. And when I have extra time to think (never a good thing) then I start to think negative thoughts, like, What if I never get work again? or Why is God punishing me? My negative mind sometimes just won’t let me be. It keeps eating at me.
Finally, I said to God, “What is my purpose? If I have nothing to do, no one to care for or for me, if I’m not reaching anyone and there’s no reason to get up each day…what’s the point?”
I didn’t get an answer. I kept pouting about it. I don’t want to be here with nothing to do. I want to help others. I want to use my gifts. I want to utilize that which God has given me, but where do I start? Where do I find the people (mainly writers) who need my help, my services? I don’t want to fail, but it’s not guaranteed. And it hurts to think I have already failed.
As I lamented over this tonight, I felt a tiny urging to just pour out my heart here. We try so often to not let people see this side of us. We’re professionals. We’ve got it together and I’m energetic and happy ALL THE TIME!!
I think it’s more important to be real. And if no one wants my services because I am a broken human being, than so be it. (After all, aren’t most writers broken? Isn’t that why we write? If nothing else, this should prove that I’m one of you!)
Because I am a child of God, but even David, God’s most beloved son, was chased by 12,000 who wanted to kill him. Job lost everything and he was a man of God. Joseph was thrown into a pit by his brothers. Jonah was tossed into a whale. Paul was jailed.
It’s hard to find a biblical character who didn’t suffer or have times of waiting. There are only a few who didn’t worry. But there are many who said, “Why me? Why now? Where are You?”
And that’s where I am. I’m hopeful it won’t last. But, today, I failed at my own advice. I let the gray get to me. I’d ask that you would pray for me. Not necessarily that more work would come my way, but that God would show me His purpose. That He would instruct my hands to do something. That I’d clearly see the direction He wants me to go in. That I’d know I am reaching someone.
I pray you are fighting the gray today and I’ll endeavor to do better tomorrow.